The very thought of you

Lingering in the afterglow....
          I'm watching her fingers run delicately down my chest with her head cradled in the nook between my arm and body. "I want out of this."

Without missing a beat, I caught her hand and held it sternly. It wasn't in my repertoire to have this reaction, but I did it. Now what do I do? Staring straight at the ceiling, "What do you mean?"

She slides her hand out of my grip. "I mean that I want to be a person that can like you for the right reasons, instead because you check the boxes on my list. Because I want someone that doesn't make me feel like I'm walking on eggshells, teetering on your approval. Because I'm not myself with you, but I'm a better self with you. Umm...like I'm more....I dunno."

More rabbit-hole talk. She paused and looked up at me. "I don't get it."

"You don't have to get it. You have to decide if you're gonna commit to trying some new things I want, and I'll do the same for you. Balance." The word balance sounded more like a question mark.

"I thought we had this conversation. Didn't we say this already?"

"Yeah. And you still thwart my attempts."

"Yeah? Tell me when."

 "I'm jibberish to you. Aren't I?"

"Yeah, but I like it." 

Game Time

I was on my laptop. Home. Waiting for her.

I heard her come in. She had that pinkness still on her face, a sign of crying.

"Are you alright?"

"Umm...I was thinking on the drive home that I should do more to protect you."

"Wait. What?"

"You think I'm gonna give into you totally in this way you crave, and I'm not. Why am I gonna string you along, waste your time, waste your effort,"

I slam my laptop closed. "This again." Raising my voice. "You spend time alone, and you come back with this shit!"

"Then what are we doing?"

"Thinking logically and long-term?"

"Yes."

"Why decide now? Why think about it and discuss it now?"

"Because you want me invested in this, invested in you, and knowing the direction of my investment is what I need to continue here."

"Oh, now you're demanding things." I wave my hand, away with her request. I notice I'm standing.

"No!" She steps forward. "You wouldn't take a job without knowing the job requirements and responsibilities. Well, that's the sort of direction I need. You can plan and take on so many things because you don't need to calculate me into the equation, but I don't feel that way. I do enjoy thinking things through with you, turning to you for advice or insight, but for me to consider what you say, I need a direction on this investment. I need to know the value of what you say. I want to know if what you say is meant as a long-term consideration or short-term."

I cover my eyes and wipe my hands down my face. "Here you go with this crazy talk I can't decipher."

"Then you just answered my question. Your reaction right there colored the direction you are going towards. So I need to leave. I feel you're invested in this, but not in the same direction that I am."

"No. Stay." I calmly let out. "You want a consideration. This is my consideration: Let's talk about this and figure it out. Lay all our cards on the table, and figure this out."

Just like that. She wilts. Her defenses gone, and I say this with a bit of embarrassment, I slightly melt at how easily her will sheds.