Sleep Sweet

     You used to be this sort of golden compass. Sturdy, determined, there. Now you are the remnant of a time I was neurotic and aching to have your complete attention. Did I bury a small piece of you in me that has become in the fabric of me? I must have, although I can't recall the feeling, I suppose I felt it, a bump under skin, judging from my past actions. I remember how it broke me to receive no word from you, no pictures in return. I went mad, walking the street of downtown Austin in trembling sobs, wishing to be acknowledged by you, wanting to feel I did have a connection, a link. Nothing to soothe me, resting on the fumes I could blurt out at you, fall asleep, and feel slightly cured from the rage of rejection and my lovelorn foolishness.
     Now you're still hundreds of miles away, state lines away, rivers away, thousands of trees away...the delirious, chaotic intensity I used to feel has lost itself, tangled and trampled somewhere in the distance. I don't feel it anymore. I can't tell if I turned it off or it left me. In the last conversation, I saw glimpses of the darling man I used to care so deeply for, crave so wildly, and long to hear from. I remember being so determined to prove myself to you, to be as intelligent, determined, sturdy. I couldn't reconcile the man I was crazy about before and the jerk of then. Ultimately, it didn't matter because the sensation wore thin. The liberty of not wondering your opinion, imagining, no standards to meet.
     Now you expect nothing out of this as do I...

9/6/10, Laredo