Sitting on the third floor of the library. The table I'm siting in faces the wall of glass to the outside world. It's the outside world I have to become a part of when I leave this school. I had wandered the shelves while listening to music on my cell phone. The art books caught my eye, grabbed a couple, and sat at this table. Page after page of art that I could never do nor conjure up creating. Tired of the inability, I closed a book, scooted them away from me, and gazed around the room, half searching. Everyone invested in their book, laptop, conversation, homework. Disappointed that nothing inspires me to do anything, I text some random people. A couple text back, and I don't feel the urge to text back.
The music and looking around, I was cradled in my own little world, a stranger watching unnoticed by others. I want more out of this little world, a private oasis in the chaos of the world, and reopened the books to appreciate that the art is just an extension of that small universe. Page after page, artwork I could look at and wonder about. One book: this man drawing men, masculine, massively masculine men, turns out he was gay. Flipping through, I should have realized it at first glance.
Looking out from my little world to the activity surrounding me, I notice a guy from my class next to me, the table next to me. He turns to me at the same time. Shocked by the familiar face, my little world with its delicate walls dissolved, and the vulnerability disturbed me. I packed my things and left the library.
Walking out of the library, I felt so foolish. Just a face, a familiar face crushed the serene feeling that was filling me. I must have blushed realizing how I just panicked. The sunlight blinded me. A bench under a canopy of leaves became the goal. The long wooden bench, I laid down. Well, maybe I can settle and reestablish my little world here. I let the sunlight seep into my skin, absorbing the warmth. Eyes closed, laying down, entombed in sweet heat.
I hear someone walk up to another bench near me, in front of me. It's the guy from the library, the familiar face. I recover my eyes with my forearm as my heart starts beating quickly. What is he doing here? We've never spoken. He just sat there. I couldn't calm my nerves. He must be able to see my chest rising and falling. I can feel my face heating up.
And there we were, quiet and unmoving, my heart rattling around and attempting to escape.
Spring 2010, Laredo
The music and looking around, I was cradled in my own little world, a stranger watching unnoticed by others. I want more out of this little world, a private oasis in the chaos of the world, and reopened the books to appreciate that the art is just an extension of that small universe. Page after page, artwork I could look at and wonder about. One book: this man drawing men, masculine, massively masculine men, turns out he was gay. Flipping through, I should have realized it at first glance.
Looking out from my little world to the activity surrounding me, I notice a guy from my class next to me, the table next to me. He turns to me at the same time. Shocked by the familiar face, my little world with its delicate walls dissolved, and the vulnerability disturbed me. I packed my things and left the library.
Walking out of the library, I felt so foolish. Just a face, a familiar face crushed the serene feeling that was filling me. I must have blushed realizing how I just panicked. The sunlight blinded me. A bench under a canopy of leaves became the goal. The long wooden bench, I laid down. Well, maybe I can settle and reestablish my little world here. I let the sunlight seep into my skin, absorbing the warmth. Eyes closed, laying down, entombed in sweet heat.
I hear someone walk up to another bench near me, in front of me. It's the guy from the library, the familiar face. I recover my eyes with my forearm as my heart starts beating quickly. What is he doing here? We've never spoken. He just sat there. I couldn't calm my nerves. He must be able to see my chest rising and falling. I can feel my face heating up.
And there we were, quiet and unmoving, my heart rattling around and attempting to escape.
Spring 2010, Laredo
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